A fine romance, my good fellow,
  you take romance, I'll take jello,
  you're calmer than the seals
  in the Atlantic Ocean
  at least they flap their fins to express emotion.
  
  A fine romance with no quarrels,
  with no insults, and all morals,
  I've never mussed the crease
  in your blue serge pants,
  I never get the chance, this is a fine romance!
  
  A fine romance, with no kisses,
  a fine romance, my friend this is,
  to lack half the thrills
  that a healthy crime has,
  we don't have half the thrills
  that the march of time has.
  
  A fine romance, with no clinches,
  a fine romance, with no flinches,
  you're just as hard to land
  as the Ille de France,
  I haven't got the chance,
  my heart isn't made of plastic,
  you're too sarcastic,
  this is a fine romance!